SOUTHBOUND AND DOWN

When a trucker is also a wine geek, the possibilities for adventure multiply.

A trucker's day off-- road-tripping from Rochester NY to Frederick MD and back to bootleg a

special wine otherwise unattainable. Wasn't there a movie that went something like this?

It started quite simply... I learned that a valued friend and fellow wine lover needed some cellar stock for her new abode in the Berkshires. And since my lifetime supply of great wine has been increasing rather than decreasing as I approach my life's inevitable expiration date, I offered to sell her (at my cost) a mixed case of my finest cellar gems-- wines I shrewdly acquired for nickels on the dollar through the wine industry's "secret side market." Four different wines, three bottles of each-- an Aussie Shiraz from century-old vines, a Bordeaux-like Washington State Merlot, a decadently unctuous Napa Petite Sirah, and an especially delightful 2018 Russian River Pinot Noir.

A few days later she messaged me, gushing about the Pinot Noir (Cameron Hughes Lot 947). Might there be any more of it available? I promised to look into it, even though my expectations were low. As I expected, the secret side market pipeline had long ago run dry of this bottling. But as regular readers of this site well know by now, this Grumpy Old Mansplainer doesn't automatically take "no" for an answer.

(Like other wines available via the secret side market, this Pinot Noir was sold online at a fraction of its original retail price point. It was essentially a $50 wine that I bought for $18 per bottle, albeit with its actual source well-cloaked by a non-disclosure agreement. The company I bought it from-- the original CAMERON HUGHES WINE company-- has changed ownership several times in recent years, and its namesake founder is presently on the second iteration of his third such wine company. See camxwine.com to sign up for email notifications of fabulous wine deals.)

I scoured all cyberspace in the unlikely event that some quantity of this wine had fallen through the cracks during one of the several corporate hand-offs. And yes indeed, some had-- although such side-market wines are not widely available in retail outlets, a gigantic beverage superstore in Maryland-- FREDERICK WINE HOUSE-- had taken a significant position on it sometime last year.

But now that I found some of this wine, I still had to make a road trip worthwhile.

I asked my friend to canvas her work colleagues for interest in buying some of this wine at cost plus a minuscule mark-up of a dollar per bottle to cover my fuel cost and sales tax. She obtained commitments for eight cases. My BFF in Boston also wanted one, as his new romantic interest is partial to Pinot Noir. l figured on one case for myself, plus two extra in case any of the aforementioned parties wish to re-order over the summer. Twelve cases, 144 bottles. $144 to cover my expenses. The good news is that the FREDERICK WINE HOUSE sells its products at very reasonable prices and they discounted my purchase another 10%. The bad news is that Maryland state sales tax is a whopping 9%, almost cancelling the quantity discount. No, the store doesn't give further discounts for cash purchases... but after a little math, I figured out that by paying with American Express, my reward points would bring me just back to break-even status.

Is transporting this much wine in a civilian vehicle even legal? Yes... kind of, mostly; especially if I'm not doing it for actual profit. The operative laws for transporting beverage alcohol vary from state to state and are usually vague, obscure, and generally not well-known beyond the state liquor authorities and the wholesale sector. But I knew that I should nonetheless keep within reasonable distance of the posted speed limits in case a highway patrolman stopped me for speeding and then-- quite understandably, in this day and age-- grew curious about the exact nature my cargo.

I headed out at 2:40AM beneath a full moon, well familiar from my over-the-road trucking days with the route south through the Finger Lakes region and thence into northern Pennsylvania. Recent upgrades had elevated US Route 15 from a stop-and-go country road to Interstate status. My first stop, at the truck stop an hour south of my home, served a triple purpose-- a bathroom break, some high-quality Colombian coffee brewed to order, and the inevitable stack of wooden pallets. I had thoroughly cleaned and washed the bed of my pickup truck the night before, and it was still wet enough to compromise cardboard boxes. But a pair of new wooden pallets from the usual pile behind the truck stop fit nicely into my long and wide bed and would elevate the wine boxes safely above the dampness.

Pallet stacks seem to sprout spontaneously at truck stops and farm supply stores. The trick is

finding nice new ones; the old ones are good for firewood but not much else.

I knew my way around Harrisburg-- literally and figuratively-- and so I easily navigated to my planned fuel stop at a BJ's WHOLESALE club. Route 15 from Harrisburg is a fast-moving divided highway that took me south along the scenic stretch through Gettysburg and Catoctin Mountain Park, home of the presidential retreat known as Camp David. After unintentionally touring much of the beautiful Maryland city of Frederick, I found the store on its outskirts.

I've seen a lot of wine and liquor stores during my decades in the beverage distribution business, but rarely anything quite like this--

Having driven this far for so much wine for so many people, I took every possible precaution in case the wine was somehow not what it should be. I examined every single box. I compared their bottle and its label to the bottle from my cellar that I had brought along, searching for any indication that the wines had been bottled in separate batches. I found none. I examined the building for temperature control-abilty (no issues there) and I insisted on tasting a bottle from their batch, just to be sure. "Okay, but we need to go to the classroom," said the manager.

The "classroom" is a giant tasting room where the store hosts wine education classes.

With a RED SOLO CUP for a spit bucket, I subjected the wine itself to a merciless evaluation, sniffing and swirling like the professional wine geek I once was. It passed. Note the color of the wine-- as one would expect of an eight-year-old Pinot Noir, its redness tilts ever so slightly toward tawny, indicating proper maturation. That's a good thing, because the best red wines age much like successful Major League pitchers-- as flame-throwing rookies they garner praise for their overwhelming power and potential; and after a decade of honing their craft in the Majors, their slightly diminished fastball velocity is more than offset by greater finesse and control earned through experience. Likewise, in the tiny percentage of red wines that are actually age-worthy, youthful high acidity and rip-roaring fruitiness eventually integrate and soften into something more complex and flavorful.

I was happy to pronounce the CAMERON HUGHES LOT 947 RUSSIAN RIVER PINOT NOIR to be in its full splendor, something so rarely found in any wine sitting on a store shelf.

NORTHBOUND AND DOWN

Now I had to drive all the way back. Return trips are inherently more tedious, especially when re-tracing one's exact path on very little sleep. It took two snack stops and three mini-naps, but I made it home just fine. I never get tired of driving itself... there is always something interesting to see, or to listen to, or to just think about. Whether or not I qualify as such, I believe that the most soulful among us are immune to boredom because they manage to find meaning-- maybe humor, maybe irony, or profundity, or maybe just zen-like absurdity-- where the rest of us see nothing but emptiness.

Immune or not to boredom, I was happy to be home again. I fed the cat, savored some great wine (a Napa Valley Syrah) with my dinner (Roasted Wagyu Teres Major w/ homemade Teriyaki Sauce) and then I fell dead asleep for many hours.

NOTES:

That's actually decent fuel mileage for a full-size pickup truck.

You cannot haul that much wine in a Prius.

It took them about a century, but Californian winemakers eventually figured out that while Napa Valley was ideal for growing and producing world-class Cabernet Sauvignon, the Pinot Noir grape performed much better in the cooler coastal areas like Santa Barbara, Sonoma Coast, Carneros, Anderson Valley... and the Russian River Valley. For our comparison of these two noble varieties, see The Royal Brothers.

Yes, there IS a movie that goes a lot like this story-- SMOKEY & THE BANDIT (1977).

See trailer HERE and a funny clip HERE.

Every great road trip needs a great theme song-- behold, EASTBOUND AND DOWN.