Search Results

The cleverest negotiation trick in the history of the world. Imagine, if you will, that your precious feline companion is desperately in need of some life-saving medicine... and, of course, has absolutely zero interest in taking it. After multiple rejections and even a few ER-worthy skin gashes, you decide to outsmart the little darling-- you tuck the pill deep inside a Nantucket Bay Scallop, and then watch your lovable demon hungrily devour it. By sacrificing just a little, you accomplish your primary objective. It was just such a clever ploy 221 years ago that largely made the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) what it is today. John Marshall, SCOTUS Chief Justice from 1801 to 1835 The Supreme Court was established in Article III of our Constitution, and its structure and procedures were defined in the Judiciary Act of 1789. However, by 1803 its role was still uncertain-- as an entity separate from the executive branch, it had no muscle to actually enforce its decisions, especially in defiance of a new sitting President. But then America's fourth Chief Justice, John Marshall of Virginia, had before him a case with the potential to change that-- MARBURY V. MADISON. National politics is certainly ugly in 2024, but things were even worse 224 years ago. Although they reconciled before their deaths, POTUS #2 John Adams and POTUS #3 Thomas Jefferson hated each other's guts. Jefferson bested Adams in the notoriously hideous election of 1800, but back then the new Presidential term didn't begin until March 4th of the following year. In the long interim and as a parting "f-you" to his incoming successor, President Adams appointed a slew of political allies to newly-created judgeships. One of the last of Adams's judicial appointees-- the Maryland Federalist William Marbury-- didn't receive his commission before Jefferson's inauguration, and the new President directed his Secretary of State James Madison to withhold actual delivery of Marbury's written and sealed commission, thereby denying him the minor technicality that was nonetheless necessary for him to actually assume the bench. So Marbury sued Madison, petitioning the High Court to order Madison to deliver his commission. Chief Justice John Marshall knew that ruling for Marbury might well result in President Jefferson simply ignoring his order, thereby further diminishing the already nebulous authority of the SCOTUS. On the other hand, finding for Madison would likely make the SCOTUS appear subservient to the the supposedly co-equal Executive branch, again diminishing the High Court's authority. Quite the dilemma, right? But Chief Justice John Marshall found a way to thread the needle, give everyone a partial victory, and-- most importantly-- establish and secure for posterity the Supreme Court's authority and legitimacy. To do that, Marshall and his fellow justices found that yes, Marbury was nominally entitled to his commission; and yes, the SCOTUS indeed had the authority (under the Judiciary Act of 1789) to order Madison to deliver it... HOWEVER, the Marshall Court continued, upon close examination of §13 of the aforementioned Judiciary Act of 1789, it appears that this law contradicts Article III, §2 of the Constitution regarding the High Court's jurisdiction... and thus he and his colleagues were powerless to order enforcement of a law that was, they declared, unconstitutional and therefore invalid. Truth be told, §13 of the Act was ambiguously written and could have been interpreted either way-- "And be it further enacted, That the Supreme Court shall have exclusive jurisdiction of all controversies of a civil nature, where a state is a party, except between a state and its citizens; and except also between a state and citizens of other states, or aliens, in which latter case it shall have original but not exclusive jurisdiction. And shall have exclusively all such jurisdiction of suits or proceedings against ambassadors, or other public ministers, or their domestics, or domestic servants, as a court of law can have or exercise consistently with the law of nations; and original, but not exclusive jurisdiction of all suits brought by ambassadors, or other public ministers, or in which a consul, or vice consul, shall be a party. And the trial of issues in fact in the Supreme Court, in all actions at law against citizens of the United States, shall be by jury. The Supreme Court shall also have appellate jurisdiction from the circuit courts and courts of the several states, in the cases herein after specially provided for; and shall have power to issue writs of prohibition to the district courts, when proceeding as courts of admiralty and maritime jurisdiction, and writs of mandamus, in cases warranted by the principles and usages of law, to any courts appointed, or persons holding office, under the authority of the United States." §2 of Article III of the United States Constitution, meanwhile, reads thusly-- The judicial Power shall extend to all Cases, in Law and Equity, arising under this Constitution, the Laws of the United States, and Treaties made, or which shall be made, under their Authority;—to all Cases affecting Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls;—to all Cases of admiralty and maritime Jurisdiction;—to Controversies to which the United States shall be a Party;—to Controversies between two or more States;— between a State and Citizens of another State, —between Citizens of different States,—between Citizens of the same State claiming Lands under Grants of different States, and between a State, or the Citizens thereof, and foreign States, Citizens or Subjects. In all Cases affecting Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, and those in which a State shall be Party, the supreme Court shall have original Jurisdiction. In all the other Cases before mentioned, the supreme Court shall have appellate Jurisdiction, both as to Law and Fact, with such Exceptions, and under such Regulations as the Congress shall make. The Trial of all Crimes, except in Cases of Impeachment, shall be by Jury; and such Trial shall be held in the State where the said Crimes shall have been committed; but when not committed within any State, the Trial shall be at such Place or Places as the Congress may by Law have directed. (If you find it difficult to identify the discrepancy between the Constitution and the Act, you are far from alone.) Petitioner William Marbury won something of a moral victory in that he was correct under the existing law, and the hated Jefferson Administration was wrong. President Jefferson, though mildly chastised, won the larger victory in depriving a political rival of power. And like your beloved feline companion swallowing that pricey bay scallop and thereby ingesting his life-saving medicine, the victory that President Jefferson had no real choice but to accept brought with it and established the precedent that remains with us to this day-- the prerogative of the Supreme Court of the United States to declare what the laws passed by Congress and signed by the POTUS actually mean, and whether they are constitutional or invalid... a.k.a., the right of judicial review. And this is how the Supreme Court of the United States and thus the entire judiciary system as a whole became a truly co-equal branch of our government. NOTES: Supreme Court decisions are for us (not "we") the people. PLEASE READ THEM! I am shocked at how many staunch pro-choice or pro-life advocates have never actually read Roe v. Wade or Planned Parenthood of Pennsylvania v. Casey or, more recently, Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health Organization. Similarly, I've yet to meet either a gun enthusiast or gun opponent who has actually read D.C. v. Heller. It's really easy to look them up... and I dare say irresponsible not to. Googling the cases yields multiple hits, and you may find every SINGLE one of them at the LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. Meanwhile, for quick reference and some essential reading, HERE is a collection of the 47 most impactful decisions in SCOTUS history. When reading SCOTUS decisions, it is very important to distinguish between not liking a decision and disagreeing with its underlying reasoning. In key decisions from a split Court (i.e., not a unanimous decision) it is worth reading the dissenting opinions as well as the majority opinions. And finally, for better or worse and thanks to the landmark precedent set by Marbury v. Madison, the Supreme Court of the United States has the last word on what the law is. It has been said that High Court is NOT infallible because it is always right; it is always right because it is, with the force of 2+ centuries of tradition, the final authority on all questions that come before it.

So NOW What?? Here are some random thoughts. I'm sitting in the Burlington (MA) Wegmans with a full cart of fancy ingredients beside me as I type this. AndyS. will pick me up at 11 and bring me to his condo, where I'll immediately start cooking our annual Super Bowl feast. (See menu below.) Super Bowl Sunday is America's biggest unofficial holiday. Over 100 million viewers will tune in to the CBS broadcast. Most of them will not just be watching a game; they will be partying with football-specific food and drink. (HERE is my essay on that topic.) Morning rush-hour traffic is usually rather light on the Monday after the big game. This Super Bowl is a rematch, kind of... the 49ers faced the Chiefs in Super Bowl LIV (54.) The Chiefs overcame a 20-10 4th-quarter deficit to win that game 31-20. Truth be told, a lot has changed in the intervening four years, and only nine of that year's 49ers and eight Chiefs remain on their current rosters. It is noteworthy that the Super Bowl is being played in Las Vegas, a city notorious for what have long been considered societal ills-- all-night partying, prostitution, and especially gambling. For the entirety of its existence until very recently, the NFL has tried to maintain a firewall between itself and gambling. Indeed, the mere whiff of any association between NFL players and shady underworld figures was, by definition, potentially harmful to the league's credibility. In 1969, Joe Namath was famously forced to sell his financial interest in a nightclub (see The Bachelors III Affair) that was frequented by mobsters. Prior to that, two NFL superstars (Detroit's Alex Karras and Green Bay's Paul Hornung) were suspended for the entire 1963 NFL season for betting on games. But sports gambling has gone mainstream and is now legal (or about to be) in most states. Here is a helpful map from the American Gaming Association: The fact that a legitimate entity called "The American Gaming Association" now exists illustrates how far we've come from the bad old days when organized crime had that market to themselves. (This is an old map, BTW.) So here we are in 2024; the week-long buildup to the Super Bowl in every rotating host city has long been notable for... all-night partying, prostitution, and gambling. Accordingly, I predict that Las Vegas will overtake Miami and New Orleans as everyone's favorite Super Bowl city. Today's matchup has been analyzed ad infinitum-- yards after catch per play, 3rd-down conversion rates, zone blitz, zone read, blitz read, zone read... blah, blah, blah. (HERE is but a sample of such coverage.) For those uninterested in pigskin minutiae and arcana (dare I say "zoned out?") the Super Bowl ads often take on considerable importance. This year's 30-second commercial spots cost advertisers $7 million. With so much money at stake and such a large audience, advertisers put a lot of effort into making memorable ads. Most of them will be up on Youtube for a while; some are already there. And finally,here is the menu I'm preparing today: French Onion Toast Scorched Shrimp with Ginger-Pepper Glaze Roasted Red Potatoes w/ Montreal Seasoning Roasted Brussels Sprouts w/ Bacon Red Wine Braised Grass-Fed Beef Pot Roast Sweet Potato Pie w/ Vanilla Ice Cream And a generous amount of good red wine. Danny's Table wishes everyone a fun, happy, and delicious Super Bowl Sunday!

Some suggestions for feeding your Super Sunday gathering. This is definitely no place for a wine glass... or even silverware. What is "Super Bowl food?" I would sum it up succinctly as follows: fun, bold-flavored, beer-friendly, and easy to eat while watching the game. And I would add that it should be easy to prepare in advance for a good-sized crowd. If the American public had to pick ONE SINGLE item to serve for Super Bowl gatherings, pizza would likely spring to most minds. Now, I admire the art of great pizza-making as much as the next guy, but being married to a strict glutenista has moved me well away from the grain silo. (And besides, I have nothing in particular to add to anyone's knowledge of pizza.) I'm guessing that my personal choice-- chili-- would score respectably high in such a nationwide poll. To me and many others, chili is a quintessentially American dish. (The Mexicans adamantly deny parentage.) And yet recipes vary greatly by region; orthodox Texas chili, for instance, contains neither beans nor tomatoes. Some versions of chili contain beer, others chocolate. In Cincinnati they serve their finely minced, multi-spiced variant over spaghetti or hot dogs. (HERE is their recipe.) There is even (gasp!) a credible vegan version of chili. Having grown up on weekly "Chili con Carne" in our school cafeteria, I regard chili as a mildly spicy stew of kidney beans, ground beef, tomatoes, onions, and peppers, so I work from that basis. If you are cooking for just yourself or a smallish game-day gathering, I have an easy basic chili recipe for you-- a few months back I worked up what I dubbed MINIMALIST CHILI, a recipe comprised of the smallest possible quantities of the fewest possible ingredients. The bare minimum for a batch of delicious chili. For a bigger batch you can simply double this "minimalist" recipe... or you might go back in time four decades to this culinary masterpiece: Upon its release in 1982, THE SILVER PALATE COOKBOOK (Rosso & Lukins) quickly became the decade-defining foodie bible for thirty-something baby boomers. The Silver Palate chili recipe-- CHILI FOR A CROWD-- was an especially huge hit... even though it calls for NINETEEN different ingredients. The authoresses graciously suggested varying their recipe according to one's tastes and whims; accordingly, I strongly recommend omitting (or at least substituting for) their canned black olives. It might have seemed like a good idea four decades ago, but our ever-increasing aversion to chemical additives (like the dye used to make green olives black) drives most of us to the olive bar for pitted kalamata olives in lieu of the canned crap. Chili doesn't really need any type of olives, but the kalamatas work just fine. (If you opt to include them, I recommend taking the time to halve them lengthwise.) Which brings us to another ubiquitous Super Bowl staple-- Wings. NO, dammit-- I meant BUFFALO Wings! (Then again, "Wings at Halftime" might've made a great tie-in.) Prior to 1964 the lowly chicken wing was destined for either the stock-pot or the trash can. But then a couple of Buffalo restaurants started serving fried wings with hot sauce (history is unsure which restaurant came first) and a low-end culinary revolution was begun. I meant THESE Bad Boys, complete with celery & blue cheese sauce. Hard to believe they've been with us for half a century now. But no-- as popular as they are, I'm not suggesting Buffalo chicken wings for your Super Bowl gathering. That's because one really needs a commercial-grade fryer-- a.k.a. a "Fry-o-lator"-- to cook them properly. What's worse, thanks to limited supply and overwhelming demand, chicken wings aren't "low-end" anymore. I reflexively glance at a lot of prices when I'm grocery shopping just to keep track of the big economic picture and market trends. While doing so, I've noticed that the price of chicken wings has crept upward to rather expensive considering that they are approximately 50% bone by weight. In response, I've spent the last few years trying to replicate the flavor of wings in the far meatier chicken drumsticks that still sell for about a dollar per pound. And Dear Reader, I have met nothing but failure after failure. But then I tried treating drumsticks not like wings, but rather like... chicken. Here's my latest version (and variants) that I believe is suitable for Super Sunday: Salt the drumsticks and let them stand for half an hour or more. Soak them overnight in buttermilk. Pat dry, then soak for four hours in Frank's Hot Sauce. Pat dry, then dust with your choice of spice rub. (HERE is a perfectly good basic recipe you can make yourself.) Roast on a rack at 425ºF to an internal temperature of 160ºF. If you must, here is a recipe for "Buffalo Sauce" for dipping or brushing them after they're cooked. Alternatively, you can approximate traditional firehouse BBQ chicken-- just skip the rub and brush the drumsticks with your favorite BBQ Sauce (HERE is mine) and roast to 160ºF while monitoring the deepening color. When you hit the target temperature, feel free to brush on more sauce and broil for a brief spell if you like a good dark scorch. And if the idea of buttermilk doesn't exactly excite you, I recommend the "Amish version." When I used to truck through central Pennsylvania, I regularly stopped at the Amish barbecue stands for their delicious chicken. When I asked one of the straw-hatted young fellows to show me his "secret recipe," he laughed and pointed to a case of commercial Italian salad dressing in which they marinate their chicken before grilling. (I used this as a basis for last year's A HACK FOR ROAST CHICKEN.) So whether you marinate them in buttermilk or salad dressing, whether you coat them with dry rub or BBQ sauce, I think you'll find drumsticks easy to prepare and also a great alternative to wings. And of course you ARE serving chips, right? And I mean crackly, salty TORTILLA chips. For optimal favor they should be big and oily. Please consider skipping the fancy flavored and fat-free versions and instead purchase plain chips that cry out for the perfect dip. Toward that end, I recommend that you purchase your salsa in a jar but make your own guacamole from scratch... or, perhaps, mine-- DannyM.'s Favorite Guacamole 4 ripe avocados 4 tomatillos, peeled, rinsed, and quartered 1/2 red onion, finely chopped (You'll use 1/4 cup) 1/4 cup (or more) pickled jalapeno, finely chopped 1/2 cup Cilantro, finely chopped juice of  1 lime 4 peppadews, finely chopped 1 teaspoon kosher salt 1 tablespoon pureed garlic Cook the tomatillo pieces in pure (NOT extra virgin) olive oil until quite tender. Add garlic and simmer briefly and then turn off the heat. Combine in a good-sized bowl the onions, cilantro, lime juice, jalapeno, peppadew, and salt. Mix thoroughly, then add the tomatillo and avocado. Mash everything together with a potato masher, gently enough to keep it a little chunky. Serve sooner rather than later. And then there's the question of... Super Bowl WINE?? While beer and football seem made for each other, there is indeed a sub-category of wines that pair well with the bold favors we associate with Super Sunday. In fact, there are bottlings of big strapping reds in the $9-12 range that are seemingly blended and marketed for just that purpose. Two decades ago I nicknamed these wines "ball-scratchers," for they are not unlike the perfect man for you ladies to have on hand in a snowstorm or a power failure-- sturdy and powerful, if perhaps a tad on the simple side. I recently strolled through a large wine department to refresh my memory about this category, and I was delighted to find three familiar gems: Red Truck Red Blend (Petite Sirah & other grapes), Ménage-à-Trois Red Blend (Zinfandel, Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon) and Bogle Family Vineyards "Essential Red" (another Petite Sirah-dominant blend.) While no one would serve these with, say, Wagyu Tenderloin, they are perfectly at home with football food. I find it hard to imagine a white to specifically pair with such powerfully-seasoned fare... however, homemade Sangria is a perfectly delicious and appropriately festive idea. (Recipe HERE.) I cannot imagine a better wine with football food. And yet if you or any of your guests insist upon Sauvignon Blanc, I dare say you should A.) commend them on their excellent taste; and B.) direct them to my above-referenced guacamole. They'll get along just fine. (See THE WORLD OF SAUVIGNON BLANC.) While enjoying all this great food & drink, please keep in mind that the Super Bowl runs nearly four hours, significantly longer than regular season games because of the extra commercials and the lengthy halftime show. Pacing one's consumption accordingly is a very smart idea. (I learned this the hard way with Super Bowl LI (51)... after cooking all day and then drinking a lot of wine, I snoozed through Brady & the Patriots clawing back from their 28-3 deficit for the most epic comeback in Super Bowl history.) Whichever team you are rooting for, my wish for all of you is great food and a great time with great friends and cherished family... and also a great game that isn't decided by some controversial officiating call. * * * * * * * * * NOTES: Way back when the AFL and NFL first agreed to play each other in an ultimate professional football championship game, they adopted Roman numerals for these games to avoid the confusion caused by the season spilling over into the next calendar year. If you weren't taught Roman numerals in school, HERE is a primer. Super Bowl LVIII (58) will be played in Las Vegas on Sunday, February 11th... a day that is closer on the calendar to the first day of spring than to the first day of winter. CBS will carry the live broadcast; kickoff is at 6:30PM EST. Just prior to the opening kickoff, country music legend Reba McEntire will sing the National Anthem. The late Whitney Houston's 1991 rendition of The Star Spangled Banner at Super Bowl XXV (25) is almost universally considered the greatest in Super Bowl history-- Some person named USHER is performing for this year's halftime show. I have no idea who he is. FWIW, this was the NFL's idea of a halftime show 44 years ago-- I'm not suggesting we return to "Up With People," but at least it sounded like music as I know it. As for the game itself, here's what to watch for and think about-- The NFC Champion San Francisco 49ers are slight betting favorites to defeat the AFC Champion Kansas City Chiefs. The 49ers have a 5-2 record in their previous Super Bowl appearances. The Chiefs are 3-2. The Chiefs' victory over the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IV (4) is my favorite Super Bowl of all time, for a number of reasons. The 49ers' victory over the Cincinnati Bengals in Super Bowl XXIII (23) featured an all-time EPIC game-winning drive quarterbacked by 49er legend Joe Montana. This year the Chiefs have the better defense, while the 49ers have the more potent offense. Which will prevail when the 49ers have the ball? Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes is better than 49ers quarterback Brock Purdy... however, unlike boxers or NBA centers, NFL quarterbacks don't play directly against each other. Mahomes is so far the greatest QB of the post-Brady era, while Purdy-- drafted dead-last out of college-- is what the pundits call a Cinderella story, a player who continually defies and exceeds all expectations. Chiefs running back Isiah Pacheco has recently emerged as a major star. Meanwhile, 49ers running back (and Olivia Culpo's future husband) Christian McCaffrey is an established SUPERstar. This game might well be won on the ground. Both teams have excellent tight ends-- George Kittle of the 49ers and (current Taylor Swift boyfriend) Travis Kelce of the Chiefs. This game might well be won through the air. Whenever either McCaffrey or Kelce score, watch for cutaway shots to the luxury suites to see their girlfriends and their families wildly cheering. And finally, make sure not to miss the commercials... there should be a few memorable gems. Here are two all-time favorites that actually get your Grumpy Old Mansplainer a little misty-eyed: "2016's Commander," for an Audi supercar-- And 2013's "God Made a Farmer," for Ram trucks--

Santa brought me an infra-red mini-grill this past Christmas, thereby completing my trilogy of fire cookery. My Dear Readers might recall last year's search for the perfect Hibachi, a quest that ultimately yielded my hand-built-to-order Kotai Grill. A few years before that I had landed my MGrills® reverse-flow smoker-grill, a.k.a. the 400 lb. Doomsday Device. With these two iron beasts already reposing in our garage, what more could any connoisseur of fire-cooked seafood, fowl, and mammal ever want? The short answer? Something that gives meat a mouth-watering scorch just like the big-city steakhouses, that's what... like the joint I referenced in THIS essay I posted for last Valentine's Day. If you'll recall, 28 years and several careers ago I was the wine steward at Grill 23 & Bar, then and now one of Boston's swankiest dining destinations. While there I was a bit surprised to learn that the "grilled" steaks with which I was pairing three-figure Cabernets were not in fact grilled, but rather broiled on each side beneath 1500ºF infrared burners... something impossible to do at home until 2015, when the German inventor Otto Nils & family created the OTTO GRILL and crowd-sourced its development. The Otto Grill Pro model is as compact as my Kotai hibachi, and similarly heavy... Panzer-tank-heavy in a way that betokens sturdiness and quality of build. It was simple to set up and use, and the first test steak was fabulous. I'll be honing my technique with this amazing appliance over the next few weeks, and then I'll bring it down to Mother-In-Law's house for a full-blown "Steakhouse Night" dinner gathering. (Unlike charcoal grills, the propane-fueled Otto cools rapidly enough to transport home after dinner.) One's taste memory of the char imparted by a big city steak broiler is both incomparable and indelible. But make no mistake... no one actually needs an infra-red steak grill that costs way more than a typical new car monthly payment. Serious steak aficionados-- the folks willing to foot the tariff for fancy beef like Wagyu and grass-fed Prime-- know that the breed, feed, and cut are the primary determinants of bovine excellence, and that its deliciousness can be fully realized either in a well-seasoned iron frying pan or atop a traditional charcoal grill. I don't plan on abandoning those methods any time soon. And so in that sense, my new Otto Grill completes not one but two distinct trilogies-- three different open-fire grills, and three different cooking methods for wringing sheer excellence from a high-end slab of beef.

Taylor Swift won't be the only superstar girlfriend at Super Bowl LVIII. Who among us hasn't heard all about TIME's 2023 Person of the Year Taylor Swift and her nascent romance with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce? Whether one thinks it real or contrived, heartwarming or nauseating, it's been rather hard to miss. And yet, now that we know that Kelce's Chiefs will be facing the San Fransisco 49ers on February 11 in Las Vegas for Super Bowl LVIII, we must recognize Tay-Tay's worthy competition: 49ers superstar running back Christian McCaffrey is engaged to the model, actress, influencer, classical cellist, Rhode Island native, and 2012 Miss Universe Olivia Culpo. We here at DANNY'S TABLE might be ahead of the curve on this one... it's only 5:00AM on the morning after the NFL's Conference Finals, after all. But I am confident that the mainstream press-- ever desperate for Super Bowl story lines-- will soon stumble upon this story and play it to the hilt. Before they do, here's our quick take: Travis Kelce and Christian McCaffrey are each established gridiron superstars and integral parts of their respective offenses. Both contributed mightily to getting their teams to the Big Game, and both are poised to play a key role in winning it. Taylor Swift and Olivia Culpo are each hard-working, multi-talented women who have earned every bit of their mega-success. Both are positive and inspirational role models for young girls, and both acknowledge the value of coming from a strong and supportive family. It is easy and tempting for envious or mean-spirited people to find fault with rich and famous couples. Me? I'm happy for all four of them, and I think that once this story line breaks out, it will attract even more Super Bowl viewers. Hell, I'd love to see them all do a commercial together. Much, much more to come about Super Bowl VLIII.

I make up new words on occasion. (And you can, too.) Maybe they'll eventually show up here. Want to make your own new word? It's easy! After all, the "want to" that starts this essay easily becomes "wanna," right? You can add "-esque" to a wide variety of nouns, thereby forming an adjective (as in, say, "onion-esque" for someone in need of a shower.) The more familiar you are with the bits and pieces and roots that form our words, the more readily a novel word will spring from a thought you are trying to express. (Pro-Tip: Solving the daily New York Times puzzles for fun and mental exercise makes you more word-wise.) The dysfunctional workplace readily lends itself to neologisms (i.e., new words.) As Leo Tolstoy put it in the very first sentence of ANNA KARENINA, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” So too with corporations and their workplaces. There are multiple types of toxic work environments-- hellish nests of interpersonal politics, drama, and/or outright violence that make simply exchanging one's time and toil for wages way more painful and difficult than it needs to be. (This is why someone with a B.A. in economics and a MENSA card might opt to be a truck driver... just sayin.') In the course of my work as a truck driver I've had the opportunity to observe from safely afar many workplaces in action... with an experienced eye for the aforementioned litany of possible ills. And so for 2024 I've attached newly-created words to three aspects of toxic workplaces. I know, I know... just what we need-- more "business-speak," right? Like we haven't had enough of such inspiring and cheerful powerpointese as this: "If we're going to move the the needle, we need to stay in our lane, double down, and sherpa this through! I know that's a lot of baked-in moving parts to unpack, so let's put boots on the ground and walk this back from the tipping point before the whole paradigm shifts sideways under the bus..." And aside from all the groupthink and zoomspeak in the corporate world, here's one notable example of a real-life work experience from several decades ago that sent me running to the solitude (and nearly pure rationality) of the transportation sector-- A few years before I took up truck driving I was a fine wine salesman, calling on both stores and restaurants with my samples and a smile while privately suffering inside like any other commission-paid worker with a young family to feed. One particular account seemed to delight in torturing us salespeople, always demanding lower wholesale prices than the rest of Massachusetts paid, along with exclusive rights within a 50-mile radius so they could gouge the hell out of their customers... all while making us use a gas station payphone rather than their house phone to relay their ballsy demands to our superiors. One November I was closing in on a very big sale to this account... a Californian Pinot Noir in our portfolio had survived their gauntlet of hoops and obstacles, I had successfully negotiated a lower price for a 100-case order, and they were about to commit to it as a featured item for the holiday season. But then a new and young employee at their very bottom rung of their hierarchy asked the owner and me if she, too, might have a taste. Of COURSE she should, proclaimed the owner... she'll be on the front lines describing it to customers, after all. She thoughtfully took a sniff, then a sip. She closed her eyes and swirled, and then a furrow of concern crossed her brow. She took another sip and announced, "There's something... I don't know... OFF." This immediately put the owner in a difficult spot; notoriously devoid of a discerning palate himself, he had no choice but to agree. He tasted again and said, "You know, you're RIGHT! Good catch!" He abruptly cancelled the sale, and I stoically left the store, dagger in my back and ruefully contemplating the hundreds of dollars in commission she had just cost me. She was promptly promoted to the store's first-tier tasting team and similarly lightened the Christmases of several other wine salesmen that year before she mysteriously vanished from their employ that winter. (Maybe they caught on to her scheme?) Toxic? Definitely. An underling slyly managed to advance upward a few rungs by exploiting her boss's insecurity while also screwing us vendors. No big deal; MY defeat was only temporary-- I simply went to this store's most direct competitor, told them the whole delicious story, and then gave them an even lower price that ate into my commission just a little. When the first store finally decided that they actually needed the wine so as not to lose customers, they damn well paid full price. I don't have a (printable) word for this young woman or the cruel game she was playing at my expense. However, in similar and more common cases we might have a company in which employees only advance by getting a co-worker in trouble. Counter-intuitively, perhaps, there are some workplaces where job descriptions and tiers of accountability are perhaps too well-defined... so rigidly structured to the point that an ambitious employee's only path to upward advancement is to tattle on a co-worker. A telltale symptom of this type of dysfunction is when an otherwise well-run company devotes a glaringly disproportionate slice of its resources to grievance management... no matter how small or ridiculous the grievance. I've come up with a new word for this type of workplace... the TATTLE-OCRACY. But wait-- there's more. Did you ever have a boss (or team leader or project manager) who confuses activity for progress? Who sees a project not as something to be finished, but rather as an interminable state of being, a permanent raison d'etre? Such people seemingly find actual completion inconceivable... as if they cannot distinguish between running for a touchdown and just plain running. Quarter after fiscal quarter they seek additional funding to continue their work while making little or no progress toward whatever goal the project was originally intended to reach. Those of us who studied Greek Mythology as youngsters surely recall Sisyphus, whose punishment for offending the gods was to repeatedly push a rock up a hill, only to have it roll right back down... for all eternity. ("Sisyphean" is a pre-existing adjective to describe strenuous yet pointless tasks.) Should you find yourself under the thumb of a project manager who sees his supposedly temporary task as permanent, you now have a pithy word for him.. We hereby dub this person a SISYPHIST. And finally... Most of us like a degree of order in our jobs... a day-to-day, month-to-month sameness that stops short of boring and yet provides a comforting measure of security. And those of us who would chafe under the authority of a sisyphist take at least some satisfaction in on-the-job accomplishment, in completing a steady series of jobs-within-the-job with recognizable arcs that include a beginning, a middle, and a conclusion. (For example, in the course of a single shift at my job I get a load assignment, figure out how I am going to do it, freaking do it, then call it a day.) Some bosses, however, seem to randomly re-direct (or "re-purpose") people in mid-arc, thereby robbing you and your fellow workers of an essential component of job satisfaction while frustrating the hell out of you. The changes come furiously and without warning, and often for no apparent reason. Working for such a person feels like standing at the bottom of the stairs and catching one tumbling box after another as it nears your face. Working for such a person is both unsatisfying and exhausting. Who would ever foster such a workplace environment? Behold, the CHAOTICIST... a boss who maintains control by keeping everyone under him completely off-balance. * * * * * * * Feel free to use these three neologisms of mine as you see fit. If you recognize any of these people from your own workplace, you have my sympathy... and I will be happy to advise anyone interested in a new career in the transportation industry.

It's a jungle out there, but you can do this. Never get out of the boat... without your warranty, a notebook, and a few hours to spend on the phone. I recently bought a new pickup truck. (See THE ART OF THE PICKUP, Part 1 & Part 2.) Out of a level of affection I've never before experienced for a motor vehicle, I named her Bianca. And as if Bianca were a cherished mistress, I've lavished expensive gifts upon her-- protective undercoating, glossy clear-coating, a spray-in bedliner, a fancy custom-made fiberglass bed cap... ...and a steel grille guard: At their most useless, grille guards are merely macho-looking headlamp eyeliner, like the warpaint occasionally worn by football players and pro wrestlers-- R.I.P. Former WWE World Champion The Ultimate Warrior. And yet grille guards do serve a practical purpose. Deer strikes are common out where I live, and-- due to unprecedented supply-chain disruptions-- the wait for repairs and/or replacement parts (like, say, a new radiator) might extend to multiple months. With a grille guard in place the poor deer is just as dead, but the vehicle remains fully functional. My grille guard arrived by a special freight carrier with a lift-gate. It took me about fifteen minutes just to remove the protective wrapping that covered every inch of the tubing and was secured with perhaps a full case of professional-grade packaging tape. After a brief examination I determined that no, I could not possibly install this myself as suggested in the company's literature. (I don't have a hydraulic lift in my garage, after all.) However, the fellow from whom I ordered my fiberglass bed cap was a professional installer of truck components, and he agreed to install the grille guard for a reasonable fee when my cap arrived from the manufacturer. When the call from the cap guy came, we exitedly dropped Bianca off in the morning for her makeover. My phone rang a few hours later. "Your cap's all set. But there was a... an issue with your grille guard. You might need to send it back to the manufacturer." My heart sank. I was suddenly out of the boat in the depths of the dark and unmapped jungle... and the adventure was underway. * * * * * * * My grille guard is designed to be held in place with six brackets; five of them fit properly, the cap guy explained, but the uppermost driver's-side bracket could not be installed because the holes on the tubing for that mount were mis-aligned. I took multiple evidentiary photos and then sat down for what I knew would be the first of many phone calls. I contacted REALTRUCK, the distributor. After locating my order and listening patiently, they declared it a warranty issue and referred me to STEELCRAFT, the actual manufacturer. I navigated the STEELCRAFT thicket from one desk to another across several time zones until I finally got someone with both the knowledge and authority to discuss my issue with me. I emailed him detailed photographic proof of the problem along with contact information for the professional installer who spotted the problem. As we conversed, I gently poked and probed the situation from a variety of angles. This fellow at STEELCRAFT eventually explained that the grille guard was shipped to me either from REALTRUCK or directly from STEELCRAFT... he had no way of knowing without researching the matter further. That gave me a sudden inspiration: "The product arrived very well packaged and securely wrapped. Tell me-- do you wrap them right at STEELCRAFT, or would you have sent it to REALTRUCK unwrapped?" "Either way, we wrap them for shipping here," he answered. I realized before he did that I had him trapped. "So... whether it came from REALTRUCK's inventory or directly from you, it would have been wrapped at STEELCRAFT?" "Yes." "And so if had shipped to me from REALTRUCK, they would have had no way of seeing that the holes you drilled and tapped were mis-aligned?" I know... I should have been a lawyer. Long silence. "You, or I should say your company, made two mistakes," I continued. "One of your laborers used a template or maybe a stencil to spot the holes to be drilled, and he or she didn't align it properly. It happens sometimes. But then, what's worse, whoever at STEELCRAFT is in charge of inspecting the work of your laborers failed to inspect this unit before having it packaged and sent out. Am I right, or am I missing something?" This fellow at STEELCRAFT then abruptly switched gears. "You'll have to take that up with the distributor you purchased it from. We don't deal directly with customers." With fresh coffee and a fully-charged phone & headset, back to REALTRUCK I went. The folks at REALTRUCK were stunned that STEELCRAFT kicked me back to them; I wasn't. They were somewhat at a loss as to how to resolve this, so I gave them a little guidance-- "I know that YOU are not personally responsible for this problem. I'm not angry at you or anyone else. I just want this issue resolved. I am a patient person, and I know that you need a reasonable amount of time to resolve this. But just so you know who you're dealing with-- I'm a truck driver, and two weeks ago someone road-raged me... blatantly and unsafely. We were on a busy interstate, and he slowed down to 20 MPH right in front of me... close enough to make whatever passive-aggressive point he wanted to make, but also close enough that I could read his vanity plate. After a few minutes on the Internet I now know his name, his address, his profession, his job title and workplace, his phone numbers, everything. I have a photo of his house, and I even considered sending him a Christmas card, but decided not to. I'm not trying to frighten you, but I want to assure you that I never, EVER let certain stuff go." "Wow." "And you should also know that I am an experienced writer. I've written over a hundred magazine articles for actual money, and I'm considered articulate and expressive. I got an email from your company a while back requesting that I review my experience. I'm refraining from writing it until this matter is closed. I promise you that no matter what happens, I will give you a 100% honest review... and that if this matter is not resolved in what I consider a fair and reasonable manner, I will take the time to write an EPIC review... something that people will enjoy reading and sharing... a review that might well go viral, bacterial, and maybe even FUNGAL." She took a deep breath and assured me that they would do everything possible to resolve this as fast as possible. They were very, very sorry for all the trouble and inconvenience. I promised to keep in touch. I phoned REALTRUCK a few days later. This was indeed a warranty issue, they had decided, and they are taking the matter up with STEELCRAFT. It might take a while, but I could rest assured that REALTRUCK was committed to resolving this. (I learned long ago to NEVER "rest assured" of anything.) I gave it another week. REALTRUCK was deeply apologetic-- it seems that they submitted the warranty issue to the wrong company. The would re-submit it immediately. I gave it another week. No, they said, it would have been impossible to submit it to the "wrong company," because they only deal with one grille guard company. They would look into this as soon as they got off the phone. Apparently they actually did, because I got a call from a higher-up in management, who promised that a new grille guard was forthcoming. They would give me the tracking # as soon as it was available. The next call? REALTRUCK was sorry to report that STEELCRAFT does not, nor did they EVER, manufacture a grille guard designed to fit my truck. (WTF?) Now I was, I must confess, a little mad. I let them know that my patience for nonsense and stalling was nearly exhausted, and that my next call would be to American Express to request a full refund. Oh, it must've been a misunderstanding, they said. I soon got an "issue resolved" email from REALTRUCK assuring me that my new grille guard does indeed exist and is on the way, and that I should "field-destroy" my mis-manufactured unit by "crushing, denting, or scrapping" it. Call me superstitious, but I decided to wait a little on that step. Then, without explanation, REALTRUCK informed me that a full refund (rather than a new grille guard, as previously promised) was forthcoming. Good thing I held off on that "field-destruction." I responded by requesting another two Benjamins for the installation I had paid for. ("You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." --Wayne Gretzky) Nope... sorry, but they don't cover installation, they said. And so, Dear Readers, for only the cost of installation my beloved Bianca now has a grille guard that looks perfectly good and will likely work perfectly well should the unfortunate need arise. I am the only one who will know that only five of the six brackets are in place... and I hold out the possibility that I can somehow fabricate the sixth bracket myself. Having suggested in the subtitle above that you, my Dear Readers, can do as I did in resolving matters like this, here's a list of lessons I've learned and applied toward securing refunds when appropriate: ALWAYS, ALWAYS PAY WITH AMERICAN EXPRESS WHENEVER POSSIBLE. And NEVER pay with PayPal if you can avoid it. Amex steadfastly stands behind their card members in disputes like this. Using Amex is like having a feared lawyer with whom no one cares to tangle. BE RIGHT. It should go without saying, but I will anyway-- before picking up the phone, make sure you've re-read the instructions, done everything properly, inquired of friends and family, and in short done everything possible to make sure that your complaint is truly legitimate. Also, familiarize yourself with the company's refund policy and the warranty. This will immediately separate you from the plethora of shrieking Karens out there. REMEMBER THAT "CUSTOMER SERVICE" DOESN'T EXIST TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS... THEY EXIST TO MAKE YOU STOP ASKING THEM. Your initial phone contact might be with a customer service call center completely unconnected to the actual business in question. Their job, it often seems, is just to get you off the phone... to make you feel like you've accomplished something, or simply vented as needed. This is just the first in a series of steps to a solution... don't let them get you off the phone without giving you the name and number for the next step you'll need to take. TAKING NAMES IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN KICKING ASS. DO NOT EVER yell, scream, verbally abuse, or threaten anyone. (Note that the only "threat" I made in this tale was my promise to author an honest review.) The person on the phone is simply doing his or her job and is most likely not in any way responsible for your problem. Be nice; mention repeatedly that your gripe is not with them, but with the company. You might even earn yourself some helpful sympathy. DO, however, keep a notebook... and whenever such information is available, write down the name, job title, and direct contact number of every single person with whom you speak. Record any and all specific promises they make, i.e., "We'll call you by 5:00PM today," "We're processing your refund," etc. FIGURE OUT WHO IS IN CHARGE. As you climb the stairs from the first Customer Service contact toward the C-suite, you'll eventually find someone who has the actual authority to solve your problem. It might be helpful to make a company chart with all the names, job titles, and direct extensions you've been recording in your notebook. BE PATIENT, BE PERSISTENT. I convinced the aforementioned two companies early in the process that I was in this for the duration. Refrain from demanding and expecting immediate results. And finally, this might seem counter-productive, but-- TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAND THEM A SMALL VICTORY, IF POSSIBLE. My request for reimbursement for the installation was two-fold, and a win-win: If they had agreed, I would've happily pocketed the $200... but they drew the line and said no, which gave them a small victory and maybe put this issue to rest without leaving such a sour taste in their mouths. Who knows? I might need to deal with them in the future. I even replied to their email denying reimbursement for installation costs-- "I understand, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. Thank you for your company's courteous attention to this problem and your efforts at resolving it." I'm even inclined write them a nice review. NOTES: "Never get out of the boat" is a line from APOCALYPSE NOW after Willard and Chef get out of the boat in search of jungle fruit and get attacked by a tiger.

(Farewell, Coach Belichick.) On the morning of January 11, 2024, the New England Patriots made it official-- William Stephen "Bill" Belichick, 71, will not return to coach the Patriots for a 25th season. At the risk of alienating a lot of pigskin partisans, I choose to err on the side of objective honesty in assessing the career of this sure-fire Hall-of-Fame NFL coach. For the record, I've never, EVER bought into the "Belichick is a genius" truism. When all-time G.O.A.T. ("Greatest Of All Time") Quarterback Tom Brady left New England four years ago, the indelible ledger of the ensuing seasons suggests that he took the Patriots' winning magic with him. During this 4-13 2023 campaign, I've listened to the Boston sporting press retroactively (and oh-so-grudgingly) shift proportional credit for the Patriots' preceding two-decades of dominance from Belichick to Brady. Does this make Belichick a "former genius?" Let's look at the facts: As the head coach of the Cleveland Browns from 1991-95, Belichick amassed a 36-44 record. For the rest of the 1990's he toiled as an assistant coach for the Patriots and the Jets under Bill Parcells. In January of 2000, Belichick bizarrely ended his 1-day tenure as the New York Jets head coach with a resignation note scrawled on a bar napkin. Shortly thereafter he became the head coach of the New England Patriots. Three months later, the Patriots used their 6th round 2000 draft pick to scoop up a the lightly-regarded University of Michigan QB Tom Brady, who had performed well in the Wolverines' Orange Bowl victory over Alabama but was famously unimpressive in that year's NFL collective talent assessment, a.k.a. the Combine. A half dozen quarterbacks were chosen ahead of Brady in that year's NFL draft. Tom Brady at the 2000 NFL Combine. Upon meeting Patriots owner Robert Kraft, this skinny draftee reportedly looked him in the eye and said, "I'm the best decision this organization has ever made." In March of 2001, the Patriots signed their 9-year veteran QB Drew Bledsoe to a then-record 10-year, $103 million contract extension, thereby cementing his long-term status as the team's franchise quarterback... or so it seemed. But then Bledsoe sustained a near-fatal injury in the second game of the 2001 season. In came backup QB Tom Brady, who, in Bledsoe's long medical absence, quarterbacked the Patriots to an 11-5 regular season record and their first Super Bowl title. Now let us fast-forward to 2016-17. 39-year-old Tom Brady had already earned the title of G.O.A.T. for his four Super Bowl wins, and Coach Belichick was widely heralded as a football genius. After falling behind 28-3 in Super Bowl LI, Tom Brady led the Patriots to a spectacular overtime victory for their fifth Super Bowl title. Coach Belichick, meanwhile, had been growing suspicious of Brady's longevity and continued effectiveness and was quietly trying to replace him with promising young backup QB Jimmy Garoppolo. Brady got wind of Belichick's machinations and appealed directly to Patriots owner Robert Kraft, who ordered Belichick to immediately trade Garoppolo. (Jimmy Garoppolo started well with his new team, the San Francisco 49ers, but he seemingly wilted under the pressure in Super Bowl LIV. He eventually proved to be too injury-prone to complete but one full NFL season.) In the the very next Super Bowl (SB LII vs. the Philadelphia Eagles) Coach Belichick mysteriously and inexplicably benched the stalwart defensive back Malcolm Butler mere minutes before kickoff. (It was Butler's heroic interception vs. the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX three years before that snatched victory from seemingly certain defeat.) Despite Brady's Super Bowl record 505 passing yards, the Patriots lost to the Eagles, 41-33. The Patriots won one more Super Bowl with Brady, but then Belichick prevailed in his insistence that the team let Brady's contract expire. Brady went to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and promptly led them to a Super Bowl victory followed by two playoff appearances before finally retiring. The Patriots, meanwhile, plummeted from annual playoff contender to cellar dweller, amassing a 29-38 regular season record. During that dismal 4-year stretch, Coach Belichick made a series of highly questionable moves... the kind of moves that no one dared question back when he was still a "genius." To name just two, he installed two assistant coaches with zero experience on offense (Matt Patricia and Joe Judge) to run the teams' offense; and he got rid of one of the NFL's premier placekickers (Nick Folk) and used a 4th round 2023 draft pick to select kicker Chad Ryland, who finished with a dismal 64% success rate. After a shockingly horrible 4-13 2023 season and with a year left on his contract, Coach Belichick was let go by the Patriots and is free to seek employment with another NFL team. My conclusions? Coach Bill Belichick, whose career regular-season W-L record WITHOUT quarterback Tom Brady is below .500, was exceptionally lucky to have Tom Brady land in his lap with the 199th pick of the 2000 NFL draft. Without the arrival of Brady in Foxboro, I have no reason to believe that Belichick would have been anything more than a mediocre NFL head coach. Furthermore, I believe that Belichick's ego has led him to make the aforementioned bad decisions... as if he had come to believe all the talk of his genius and that he could distinguish himself by overcoming the odds and avoiding the consequences for, say, benching Malcolm Butler, replacing Brady as if he were an interchangeable part, utilizing offensive coaches with no experience, and blowing a valuable draft pick on an untested kicker. Tom Brady, meanwhile, was in reality a modestly talented athlete who was also a pathologically competitive workaholic... the latter a gift undetectable in the NFL Combine. In retrospect, he was a once-in-a-century quarterback whose competitive fire, off-the-charts work ethic, and willingness to play for less money in order to increase his team's chances to win permeated the fabric and culture of the New England Patriots. More than anything ever done by Coach Bill Belichick or owner Robert Kraft, it was Tom Brady who primarily created what became known as "The Patriots Way." Based on Brady's immediate impact on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2020, I strongly suspect that ANY team that might have drafted Brady in the 2000 NFL draft would have substantially improved its fortunes. And finally, despite my foregoing rant I wish Coach Bill Belichick the very best wherever he winds up next season. I will honestly be delighted for him if he proves me 100% wrong in my assessment. NOTES: "Genius" is a nebulous term. Geniuses are relatively easy to spot in the fields of music, mathematics, and chess, where child prodigies stand far above even their adult peers; "genius" in, say, literature and painting is more often than not quite subjective. If you wish to see how you personally stack up on the "genius" spectrum, feel free to try this free test, courtesy of MENSA. As a former NCAA punter, kicker, and punting/kicking coach, I've been around enough football to recognize two main strains of coaches-- one type is a fire-breathing natural leader of men, capable of inspiring his imperfect charges to push beyond their supposed physical limits and sacrifice self for team; the other type in an X's-and O's blackboard technician who is capable of devising brilliant plays and schemes... if he could only get his imperfect players to execute them properly. The greatest and most successful coaches are combinations of the two.

New Year's Eve used to be the biggest party of the year... now it's more like a second Thanksgiving. I started to notice the change 40-some years ago. Back in 1982, the oh-so-posh bar at Beardsley's that New Year's Eve was three-deep all night-- packed with well-dressed local business bigshots, Springfield mobsters, their lawyers, and the semi-famous artists who had recently made the sleepy, dying mill town of Northampton into a chi-chi hot-spot. $40 shots of French brandy flowed all night while Champagne corks regularly popped, causing a few of the mobsters to reflexively duck for cover. Just two years later, M.A.D.D. had forced significant changes in drunk-driving laws, and New Year's Eve was never the same again. The Beardsley's bar was really slow that night. Nearly two decades later an even greater societal shift-- 9/11-- changed the way we rang in the new year. I was running a gourmet take-out store in the Berkshires then, and on 12/31/2001 we sold a lot of fancy prepared food for Manhattan-based second homeowners who were just happy to be alive and safely nestled in their rural digs 150 miles north of the twisted ruins. A lot of of other things have changed over the last few decades. People are more food-savvy and accordingly more inclined to prepare their own celebratory fare at home. People are also way more wine-savvy and therefore open to enjoying a great Chardonnay or Pinot Noir in lieu of bubbly fashioned from those same varieties. But most of all, I think, people are just plain too busy and/or too tired to whoop it up as in days of yore. And so many of us just gather with loved ones on New Year's Eve in gratitude for making it through another year in one piece... while hoping and praying that one year hence they'll be in position to do the same. Happy New Year to one and all! I suspect that 2024 will be a wild one.

My personal favorite things about 2023... aside from the fact that it will soon be over. Writing about things that I discover, purchase, eat, drink, or even drive makes my life richer. It forces me to pay closer attention to details, makes me increasingly observant. More and more frequently I find myself chronicling things in my head as I go, making sense of the world in real time with my writing voice and vocabulary. I've had a lot of great discoveries and experiences to chronicle in 2023, and I published essays about most of them. In no particular order, here is a partial list: BEST RED WINE The most amazing red wine to pass my lips in the past year was the 60%-40% blend of Cabernet Franc and Merlot from a cool mountaintop vineyard in southern Napa Valley... the same wine I described in Satan’s Sweet Syrup last summer. It reportedly retails for two Benjamins a pop, but I got a 6-pack for $39/bottle under the bargain-rich de Négoce futures program. (To understand exactly how de Négoce works, check out How to Buy $60 Wine for $20.) This wine is labeled as a "Proprietary Red" because American wine law requires a 75% minimum for labeling by grape variety. In a related story... MY (LEAST) FAVORITE GRAMMATICAL PET PEEVE "VARIETALS" are wines labeled by grape variety, i.e., Pinot Noir, Moscato, Zinfandel, etc. A vineyard grows grape VARIETIES that may or may not be bottled as VARIETAL wines. But alas, wine scribes everywhere are muddling the distinction through constant misuse. ("Should OF," "different THAN," and "HYSTERICAL" in place of "hilarious" are perennial "least favorites" that infuriatingly remain in regular usage.) BEST WHITE WINE Here we have a tie, and a tie-within-a-tie... all involving wines from my local region. My quest for a Finger Lakes Riesling that actually lives up to decades of optimistic promises finally ended when I uncorked a 2020 Hermann J. Wiemer "HJW Vineyard" Riesling. (See "The Search for Electric Icicles.") And while bird-dogging wineries along the local lakeshores I also found sufficient evidence to conclude that the region's warmer temperatures coupled with an influx of world-class wine-making expertise is now yielding world-class, Burgundian-style Chardonnay. The two most stunning examples I found came from Heart & Hands Wine Company and Trestle 31. If I ever find the time to once again troll the depths of Lakes Seneca or Cayuga for their delicious lake trout, I'll happily pair my catch with any of these three wine gems. BEST SPARKLING WINE(S) My local Finger Lakes region is well on its way to reclaiming its position as America's premier "Champagne" source. In contrast to New York's mass-produced bubbly of yore, the best of the current output is drier, has tinier bubbles, and is made from far superior grapes. That being said, it is also rather pricey... nearly as dear as the genuine French counterparts. So I still stick to a pair of bottlings from the other side of America for our house pours– Domaine Chandon Brut Rosé from California, and Gruet Blanc de Blancs from New Mexico. Both wineries were established by actual French Champagne houses, and both bottle a range of bubblers that are beautifully crafted, crisply dry, and retail for well south of $20/bottle. Taken together, these two bottlings make a nicely contrasting duo– the Brut Rosé gets its salmon hue from a generous dollop of Pinot Noir and presents a varietally-correct whiff of red fruits, while the Blanc de Blancs is 100% Chardonnay and accordingly flinty and crisp. For a large enough gathering I would offer both. WINE BARGAIN OF THE YEAR Any time I use "wine" and "bargain" in the same breath, one must surely surmise that de Négoce is involved. What's better than $60 wine for $20? How about $90 wine for $9... how can that possibly happen? Australia produces a lot of great wine... and so when they got into a trade spat with China that cancelled much of their export business, Australia was left with a lot of EXTRA great wine. But then along came Cameron Hughes with a 7-page non-disclosure agreement and pocketfuls of OUR money, and a boatload of Lot 354 Barossa Valley Old Vine Shiraz was soon on the water and steaming toward our shores. The initial futures price of this gem was $12... but then it went on sale for Black Friday, and I snagged two cases for nine bucks a bottle. MY NEW FAVORITE WINERY Without question, the aforementioned Heart & Hands Winery– barely an hour from our house!– has captured my fancy with their fanatical, no-nonsense attention to detail and dedication to excellence. (See The Impossibly Perfect Winery.) Rare is the winery that isn't at least partially blind to its imperfections... that doesn't delude itself into believing that its wines are better than they really are, or doesn't try to transform its failures into some supposedly value-added "wine product." Heart & Hands engages in none of this... at least insofar as this former professional wine geek can tell. The owners are a true "power couple," a passionate and visionary husband counterbalanced by a brilliantly savvy and equally hard-working wife. They also sell the coolest, most beautiful wine glasses I've ever seen. Tastings are by appointment, and best appreciated by serious and knowledgeable wine lovers. If you're out winery hopping with your old frat or sorority peeps, you might want to drive right past this place. MY NEW FAVORITE CUT OF BEEF After a year of experimenting with Prime Rib in search of the perfect version, an email notice from Snake River Farms re-directed my efforts and attention toward an unlikely cut– Wagyu Chuck Roast. (See Value Alert! A Hack for Affordable Roast Beef.) I can't wait to make it again. BEST NEW SAUCE My Faux Jus was nothing magical, or even new... just a long-overdue, brute-force process to replicate in large quantity the drippings of otherworldly deliciousness that accumulate in the pan beneath slowly-roasting beef. I'm quite pleased with the result, but my favorite new sauce is a recent and spontaneous concoction that is most likely someone else's earlier invention, a sort of Nouvelle Cuisine take on classic Sauce Mornay. Original or not, this is the missing link I'd been seeking for my long-overdue and upcoming Lobster Fantastico recipe. Since New Year's Eve is nigh, here is the quick version: Simmer a minced shallot in a dab of clarified butter. Add splashes of white wine vinegar and white verjus. Follow with fine zest of lemon as well as a squeeze of fresh lemon juice. Cook down the liquid as if making a standard-issue beurre blanc, but then add enough heavy cream to disqualify it as such. Reduce, then stir in some high-quality, unsalted butter. Then carefully whisk in a little shredded Gruyère, being careful not to over-thicken. An optional touch of minced garlic makes it especially lobster-friendly. Enjoy over broiled split lobster tails with a sprinkle of fresh herbs, your favorite bubbly, and your most loved one. MY FAVORITE NEW COOKING TOY My German-made, stainless steel Rösle Passetout/Food Mill is responsible for the finest mashed potatoes I've ever made. And my hand-built-to-order Kotai Grill is the best device in the world for grilling fish. My favorite and most useful cooking tool of all time, however, remains my microplane grater-zester. I'd happily post a shopping link, but I bought mine 30 years ago and they don't make them like they used to. (Pro-tip: the finer the better. Everything I've found in a recent Amazon search is a little too coarse.) MY FAVORITE NEW COFFEE SHOP In “The Perfect Little Dairy Farm” I drew a distinction between two types of dairy farms– "estate" dairy farms that sell milk, cheese, and butter from the output of their resident herd, and commercial dairy factories that purchase bulk milk from a cooperative and have it trucked in. I am delighted to report that the Pittsford Farms Dairy & Bakery (in Pittsford, NY) occupies a sweet spot between these polar extremes. Just as many a winery purchases fruit from elsewhere yet manages to bottle great wine, the Pittsford Dairy, as it is known, trucks in milk directly from nearby farms, thereby bypassing the cooperatives and exercising greater control over the quality of their raw material. (I know this because I spoke directly with the trucker who was delivering the milk; he and I work for the same company.) The Pittsford Dairy is also a warm and cozy bakery and ice cream shop with a rustic wood-paneled interior. They are blessed with a knowledgeable and enthusiastic young staff– an increasingly rare thing these days. I look forward to stopping there for a great cup of coffee every week on my way out of town to start my work week. MY PURCHASE OF THE YEAR It's not even close... you can read all about my search for my new pickup truck in The Art of the Pickup Truck, Part 1 and Part 2. I also have a major purchase in the works for 2024 that I'm afraid to jinx by even mentioning it in any detail. I'll let you all know when it's final. And finally, MY FAVORITE ESSAY My fellow scribes will appreciate this. Sometimes, not nearly as often as we writers would like, a sudden bolt of inspiration animates our writing... feelings and concepts flow like electricity from the heavens down into our skulls and then out through our arms to our fingers, instantly becoming useful prose as fast as we can type. I experienced just this sensation as I was penning Gewürztraminer! (A Love Story) in an effort to describe a difficult-to-describe wine grape. A kaleidoscopic swirl of memories– of various female acquaintances, my rural hometown, my post-college poverty, a Rockwell painting, childhood trips to Ithaca, and actual tastes and smells– all furiously commingled to help me capture the essence of this quirkiest of vinifera varieties. I hope my Dear Readers enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'm looking forward to writing about all the wonderful things that 2024 has to offer. Until then, here's to a Merry Christmas, a cozy and safe holiday season, and a Happy New Year for all who join us now and then around this Table. Much Love, DannyM.

Wagyu (the breed) is very expensive, and Chuck (the cut) is rather tough. But the marriage of the two makes an utterly fabulous roast. Wagyu "Black Grade" Boneless Chuck from Snake River Farms... the constrained optimization of flavor, tenderness, and value. For the past year I've been exploring the parameters of making the most delicious prime rib possible, and I dare say that I've pretty much figured it out... I've identified the best breed and sources; I've mastered the variables of temperature, cook time, and doneness; and I've even come up with a home-made gravy turbocharger I call "faux jus." But great prime rib, even simply good prime rib, is expensive... certainly cheaper to make at home than restaurant versions of equivalent quality, but still expensive. Is there a hunk of beef somewhere betwixt nose and tail that delivers prime rib's fantastic flavor and tenderness more affordably? Dear Reader, it has become my personal purpose in life to answer such questions... and the short answer is... YES! ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ As indicated in the chart above, the Chuck primal cut doesn't even make the Top 4 of "best cuts," and yet ranks first in toughness. (Notably absent is a third category– flavorfulness, for which it is hard to top Chuck.) Chuck– the bovine equivalent of the human shoulder muscle– is laced with connective tissue and also gets lots of strenuous exercise... which, taken together, make it both very tough and very flavorful. We have therfore become accustomed to giving Chuck meat a quick browning followed by a long, slow braising that liberates the silky collagen in the connective tissue, leaving us with meat that is flavorful AND tender, as in pot roast or traditional beef stew. But no right-minded chef would ever dare cook a piece of Chuck as one would Tenderloin or Ribeye, right? Enter Wagyu Chuck Roast. While placing a recent order with Snake River Farms, I needed to pad my basket with enough goods to qualify for a discount AND cheap shipping. I saw that they were now offering a new product– "Black Label Wagyu Chuck Roast." For $48 a pop, it would essentially pay for itself with my accumulated discounts... and oh, how I was suddenly dying to experiment with this piece of meat! I gave this 2.8 lb. cut a generous coating of kosher salt and let is sit for a few hours. I gave it a good scorching in my largest iron pan and then a slow roasting at 275ºF until it reached an internal temperature of 130ºF. The result? It was as tender as any prime rib I've ever made... and it was MORE flavorful than any prime rib I've ever made. And a day later, when we re-heated a pair of slabs for a dinner of leftovers, it was better than any leftover prime rib I've ever tasted. I think we might be onto something new and wonderful and AFFORDABLE here. ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ NOTES: Under no circumstances should one attempt this dish with anything but Wagyu beef. Never pay full price at Snake River Farms. Get on their mailing list and everything will be on sale at some point. 12/16/23-- I made a correction to the original text: this cut as offered from SRF is "Black Grade" (richer than Prime) and not "Silver Grade," the Wagyu equivalent of Prime.

A fabulous homemade version from Chef Slim Oakheart. "Green Goddess" Calla Lillies... no flowers are harmed in the production of this dressing. Green Goddess dressing has its origins in the early 20th century, specifically in San Francisco, California. The dressing is attributed to the Palace Hotel in the city, where it was created in the 1920s by the hotel's executive chef, Philip Roemer, in honor of the hit play at the time, "The Green Goddess." The dressing gained popularity for its vibrant green color and rich, herbaceous flavor profile. The original recipe typically included mayonnaise, sour cream, anchovies, scallions, parsley, tarragon, lemon juice, and garlic. The anchovies provided a subtle umami undertone, contributing to the distinctive taste of the dressing. Here's a classic Green Goddess dressing recipe: Ingredients: 1 cup mayonnaise 1/2 cup sour cream 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley 2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives 2 tablespoons chopped fresh tarragon 2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil 1 clove garlic, minced 2 tablespoons anchovy paste (optional, for a traditional flavor) 2 tablespoons lemon juice Salt and pepper to taste Instructions: In a blender or food processor, combine mayonnaise, sour cream, parsley, chives, tarragon, basil, garlic, anchovy paste (if using), and lemon juice. Blend the ingredients until smooth and well combined. You can adjust the consistency by adding more sour cream or mayonnaise if needed. Taste the dressing and add salt and pepper to your liking. The anchovy paste provides a salty element, so adjust accordingly. Once the dressing reaches your desired taste and consistency, transfer it to a bowl or jar. Refrigerate the Green Goddess dressing for at least 30 minutes to allow the flavors to meld. Before serving, give the dressing a good stir. You can drizzle it over salads, use it as a dip, or as a sauce for various dishes. Feel free to customize the recipe to suit your taste preferences. Some variations include adding a bit of Dijon mustard for extra flavor or adjusting the herbs to your liking. Enjoy your homemade Green Goddess dressing! ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ ≈ "Chef Slim Oakheart" is the nom de plume of a noteworthy public official who serves the citizenry from multiple levels of government. He is also a bon vivant extraordinaire with an unmatched passion for fabulous cookery. We are delighted to have him here!